Letting go
When I was a very young
boy, I used to enjoy staring blankly at the wall whenever I
had a few minutes to spare. It was a pastime to which I
would return time and time again because it gave me a sense
of peace and happiness that I could not really describe. I
was not sure if there was a name for such an activity and
wondered if other people also indulged in it. Despite going
to the Buddhist temple with my family on a regular
basis, I had a very vague understanding of meditation. I
thought it was a special magical practice done only by the
monks. Their unintelligible chants seemed to be some form of
communication with the higher realms to which only they had
access. Meditation was definitely not for the lay people,
let alone a child like me.
As I grew older, I realized what I did during my spare time
was probably some crude form of meditation, not too
dissimilar to what the monks practiced at the temple. So, I
studied everything I could get my hands on to improve my
meditation skills, in hope of attaining the states of bliss
and transcendence that I read so much about. I
tried and tried, but no matter how hard I tried, I failed.
In fact, I failed to even replicate the peacefulness that I
had experienced as a child.
It finally dawned on me that while I was trying so hard to
learn to meditate the right way, I was going about it the
wrong way. I kept filling up my mind with this concept or
that concept, this path or that path, this technique or that
technique until there was no room left for, well, emptiness.
Finally, I gave up. And this proved to be the technique
that worked! In process of giving up, I also let go. By
letting go of the clutter in my head, I could feel my body
becoming lighter as the burden of expectations was lifted
away as if by magic. In that brief but climatic moment, I
was able to rediscover myself.
Meditation is a practice whose benefits are realized only on
an experiential level. Too much book learning may hinder the
mind's capacity to let go and simply be itself. To simply be, we must free ourselves from all
conceptualizations, analyses, calculations and other mental
phenomena that clutter our minds. Obviously, we meditate
with a goal in mind. But we also meditate to gain a fresh,
new way of looking at things. It would be counterproductive
to expect anything from meditation as attachment to the
outcome would defeat the purpose of the practice.
Expectation is the mind's conceptualization of what might
take place in the future. We meditate to simply be, not to
gain magical powers or anything like that. If the mind is
preoccupied with expecting something, it cannot simply be.
When we are able to let go and simply be, we awaken to that
which remains constant throughout our lives, namely our
inner child. As children our inner child is more vibrant in
us. We seem always carefree because our minds are constantly
preoccupied with the very expression of our Beings. We play
and express our feelings freely, sometimes to the dismay of
our parents. As we grow older, we take on greater roles and
responsibilities. Our inner child gradually fades into
dormancy as we develop a sense of self-identity which we
would struggle to maintain throughout our adulthoods. In the
process of growing up, we leave our inner child behind and
forget to simply be ourselves.
Obviously, as we grow older our bodies change. Our needs
evolve. We mature. So, it would be foolish and unnatural to
pretend as if we're children again. Reclaiming one's inner
child is not about reverting to childish immaturity. It is
about reconnecting with our True Essence, remembering to
simply be ourselves, and re-awakening the divine gift which
has always been a part of us. Meditation is a process of
returning to oneself. Returning to one's inner child is very
much a part of growing up. Even grown-ups have a lot of
growing up to do.
